just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Randomize
