he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
