If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize