theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
