I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
