It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
