I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
