while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I didn't notice because vodka
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
