i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i drank out of a bidet.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
