im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
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we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
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I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
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