This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
