I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
