My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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