Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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