I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
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Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
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We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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