my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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