How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
