my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
either way he was missing a nipple.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We are all done wearing pants today
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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