So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
