and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
