I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
