She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My vagina just clenched in fear
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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