At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
