non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I can't turn off my feet"
Sorry about my life...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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