Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
