The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
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