but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
