I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
