Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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