I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He shit in the fireplace
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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