thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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