I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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