The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
