i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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