I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
