Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
this will be a night to untag.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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