so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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