Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
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Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.