oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
