I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
