Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
