The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
