Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
