i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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