I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
