I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
