I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
