I love black thongs
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Sext me about skeletons
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
