mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
