I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Randomize
