also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
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i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
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He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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