She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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