I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
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She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
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The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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