I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
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Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
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he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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