I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
