i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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