U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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